BBC News - Tuesday, 2 December, 2003

There is a wonderful scene in an old Bette Davis film called Dark Victory - she's been having "health problems" and her doctor/lover has rather carelessly left her chart out where she can find it. She is leafing idly through it and comes across something rather curious.

"Wainwright!", she says to her nurse. "What does 'prognosis' mean?"

Wainwright, who has better things on her mind, answers without looking up: "That's what the future of a case looks like."

Bette, visibly steeling herself, asks again in a slightly brittle tone: "What does 'negative' mean?"

Wainwright, who seems to have little concept of confidentiality, cavalierly replies: "That's not so good. That means 'hopeless'."

A vague wave of unease then crosses the nurse's mind and she looks up to see the door swinging from the force of Bette's departure in search of her lover.

The scene played in my mind the day I went for my test results at my London clinic in January of this year. I had had four previous tests, each six months apart, and had got used to the doctor breezing in and telling me to get out and stop wasting his time.

It was not to be the case this time! It appeared I had dodged one too many bullets and when I looked up at the doctor I was more than a little nonplussed when she informed me in hallowed tones of my now positive status.

Careful as I had been, and believe me there was no-one more scrupulous than I had been about safer sex, I had now become infected.

Anticipation and hope

It will soon be a year since my sero-conversion.

So what exactly should I expect from my first anniversary?

A celebration might seem slightly morbid, rather like applauding the knife thrower for slicing off his wife's ear, but at least not actually killing her.

But in a way, maybe it is a time to celebrate.

I have achieved a great deal this year. It may appear to some to be rather negative, but I guess that all depends from which viewpoint I choose to look at it.

A year on, I think a re-evaluation is perhaps called for. Where do I intend to go now that I have adjusted to this new presence in my life?

More and more nowadays I am aware of the choices I am given in my life and also aware that in spite of myself I still tend to avoid what I want to do and get stuck on the words "ought" and "should" too much.

You know, strangely, after a year of stepping out with my little viral friend, I think the thing I feel most of all is anticipation and hope.

Hope for many things really - hope that medication is still a long way off for me; hope that that same medication improves and that my friends who are on it can feel happier and healthier; hope that I can survive another year, not from the HIV, but from all the other nasties that threaten my happiness; hope that my counsellor doesn't run away to raise sheep in the outback.

The outlook is not too inspiring, but positive thought is a wonderful thing.

I earn next to nothing and my job, which I love, is only part time - how will I survive? I am being thrown out of my accommodation just after Christmas - how Dickensian is that!

Where will I live?

My wonderful consultant, who thoughtlessly is taking time off now to have a baby, has finally succeeded in convincing me to start taking anti-depressants - how long will that last?

Well, surprisingly, in spite of all this I am facing the next year with a spring in my step and a festive basketful of condoms on my dresser.

It is a fallacy that things can't get any worse, of course they can, why couldn't they?

But as long as I have good friends to help me along the way and the great medical support that has impressed me so much over the past year, then I guess I can face anything that is to come and celebrate the first anniversary, not for catching the virus, but for the strength I have developed in order to adapt to living this new life.

BBC News Online was put in touch with Philip through the National Aids Trust (NAT), a British HIV and Aids policy development and advocacy organisation.
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